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Jesus.

I guess i can't say i beleived in you all this time, because i didn't. I wanted to not believe in you because my life got so fucked up in my eyes. I was depressed (I still am), i felt hopeless, i felt like nobody cared. But after watching a video on youtube, it made me start to wonder what if i had him in my life? I now hope that my life will get better. I know that i have to be strong in my faith. It will take time and it will not be easy. I am confident now, knowing that at least one person cares about who i am, and that person is Jesus Christ.

Person.

Dear Person,

Because of you, i feel as though my love isn't good enough for any girl anymore. I am in constant pain over the loss of you. i know it's been like 6+ months since it ended, but there is no possible way i will ever get over you. I really loved you. I know some people say that it's just high school so you can't love somebody. I think they say that because they have never felt true love like i have with you. When i told you i would always love you, i wasn't lying. I hate you for all the pain you have caused me, but i love you for the awesome memories we had together. I know that doesn't make much sense, but it's how i feel. I would die for you then, and i would die for you now. You have a special place in my heart that will never be taken up by another person. Ever. You were and still are the most beautiful and kind girl i've ever seen, and probably will ever see. I struggle everyday with the fact that you don't love me anymore, the fact that i will never again feel you close to me. I loved those moments, the times where it was just us two and you were the closest thing to me. You gave me something to look forward to everyday, you gave me hope that my life wasn't all bad and that i had something to be happy about. I want to go back in time and restart everything with you! I LOVED YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I CANNOT BELEIVE THAT IT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I wish you could one day see how much pain i am in, Alyssa Bowlsby. I'm never gonna forget you. Maybe if i wasn't such a fuck up, you'd still be mine. :(

Life....

These past few weeks have been a change for me. I am back on my anti-depressants, track season is almost here, and i'm feeling less and less hopeless. The psychiatrist said it would take at least 2 weeks for the pills to take effect, but i'm feeling them now. hopefully this will lead to me being "happy" again. I hear all these people talking about how much fun they had last night, my brother included. I hate being left out all the time, and all you people telling me to hit people up, you try being in my postition before you give me advice like that, because sometimes it can be real insensitive. If people liked me, they would think to invite me instead of me asking them, and i know that might be the best philosophy, but at least it's a real one. I think this poem kind of describes my feelings.........

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Lond, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

I secret we met--
I silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.
-Lord George Gordon Byron

Up In The Air After The Storm....

A Spacial Philosophy.

As i draw near the beginning of my future, I can't help but look at my past. These previous events that have happened are what define me. I can't help but wonder how i would turn out if things had happened differently. Sometimes i wish they did happen differently, sometimes i'm happy with the way things have happened. I just wish i would've met some people sooner, because that way i wouldn't have had to feel bad all by myself. But i've gone through hell and back a number of times, yet again returning to the world full of people i give my heart to but i have received none in return. Gone is my ability to trust, gone is my ability to understand. I can't comprehend human emotion. it makes absolutely no sense to me. I do not understand the differences in ideals. I don't understand me. I want to know what the future has in store for me, but i know that has no way of happening. Years from now, i wonder how i'll look back on my life? Should i look at this as being trivial? Should i look at it as being influential? Will i even have the ability to say "this many years ago"? Will i die before i can say that? I just might. It seems like i live life by myself, that no one can help. The truth is, i just don't know how to accept help. I have been living with my pain and dealing with it by myself for over 5 years. It's not easy for me to just let anyone in. I push away the people that really care about me. That's why i'm scared. I want and need people to care. But it may never happen and i'll end up dying alone and cold........ I'm nothing but a star in a distant galaxy. Isolated.

It Takes A Man To......

realize that he has problems and do something about them. and to realize that he should fully appreciate everything, because you never know what you can lose at any given time. i took me a long time. but ive changed. things are gonna be different. no more stupid shit, no more relaxed behavior. it's time to work. i'm sick and tired of letting other people determine who i am. other people should do the same. i'm going to fight for what i beleive in and no one is ever going to get me to quit fighting for my beleifs. i'm not gonna sit back anymore. i'm going to do what i do, not what someone thinks i should do.
maybe half of you guys should just be yourselves, and stopped being so concerned with your image, but with your character and sense of right and wrong. let's move on with life and forget about everything in the past. it's quite possibly the best way. cherish the good memories, use the bad ones to improve yourself, and keep pushing through it all. maybe then all this phony crap about popularity will stop. only then as a society will we become one as a whole. forgive someone's mistakes. get mad, then get over it. don't have your ego so close to your position that when your position falls your ego goes with it. it's your life. don't let someone telling you that you are not cool cause you don't drink,smoke,have sex, and other stupid shit. help other people less fortunate than you are. don't make fun of others. be nice. treat people like people instead of objects. especially women. stay in school. you aren't cool cause you don't do your schoolwork. sure you spit the game, but can you back it up? everything everybody says that they are gonna do is fake half the time. i'm sick and tired of the constant lying. people calling other people immature when they pull the same shit. it's really stupid and it just makes you look bad. yes, i have had my bad moments. but then again, haven't we all?

What I See.....

I look into the mirror, i see a human that is physically a boy, but mentally a man. I see a human being, put through so much psychological hell. I see a man, who desires to be loved and cherished for himself. I see a reflection of the deep blue ocean and it's wide open possibilities. I see a man who eagers for a long relationship, but wants to get away. I see a man who eagers for friends, but always ends up driving them away. I see, in my clear blue eyes, what i am. I see things.
I see an island that represents what i am, and that is isolated. I see the image of what i am scared to become. I see the innermost thoughts and memories i cherish, but long to get rid of. I see the sky, and no limits. I see no universe, i see an adventure into my soul. I see the bright sun, and the way it lights up my thoughts. I see mountain peaks, covered in snow. I see frozen forests, representing the feelings of abandonment and hoplessness, but full of life. I see springtime, signifying that i have been "remade" inside.

But most importantly, i see myself.

This Is...Truth

Yea i know i'm not the coolest guy. I know i've got my problems. I know i'm semi- suicidal. But all i want is love. It seems like i'm not loved by anyone, but also i hardly believe that i was ever loved to begin with. My ex- girlfriend told me she loved me on the day she broke up with me. Now forgive me if i'm wrong, but i have always been under the impression that love means doing things for your partner, trusting them, understanding them, being ATTACHED to them, not keeping anything from them, always wanting their opinion, constantly thinking about them, not being able to wait for them to call you or text you, leaving those cute early morning greetings, like "good morning sweetheart, i love you", showing unconditional desire for that one person. She broke up with me because i was "clingy". She broke up with me over the phone. She was "distraught" with "grief", "crying" and whatnot, "drowning" in her "tears". I check her myspace the next day and it says she is happy and never felt better. I asked her what the fuck that was about. She said that she meant the words "i love you." I swear to god, i was so pissed. She never loved me, she only dated me so i could make her happy again. So later in life i found out i was her 9th boyfriend in less than a year. now, all i can do is laugh at the bitch. If she was that much of a whore before, why didn't i find out about it? but whatever, i guess you learn something new everyday right? I know i sound obsessive about this shit, but what people don't understand is how fucking much i loved that girl. I loved her more than i've loved anyone before. I would constantly pour my heart out to her. I would always be sure to end every conversation with "i love you". I swear to god, i am definately one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. But i'm fucking tired of giving my heart out to people, to only have it ripped out of my chest yet again. Love is the very essence of life. Love is also the only thing that can make me truly happy again. Loving that girl was what brought me outta my suicidal phase, if only for a month. It was the best one month of my life. Hands down. Now that i am constantly alone, i see myself fading away......just fading away into nothing. What i was meant to do from the start..............

Just a few......