A Spacial Philosophy.

As i draw near the beginning of my future, I can't help but look at my past. These previous events that have happened are what define me. I can't help but wonder how i would turn out if things had happened differently. Sometimes i wish they did happen differently, sometimes i'm happy with the way things have happened. I just wish i would've met some people sooner, because that way i wouldn't have had to feel bad all by myself. But i've gone through hell and back a number of times, yet again returning to the world full of people i give my heart to but i have received none in return. Gone is my ability to trust, gone is my ability to understand. I can't comprehend human emotion. it makes absolutely no sense to me. I do not understand the differences in ideals. I don't understand me. I want to know what the future has in store for me, but i know that has no way of happening. Years from now, i wonder how i'll look back on my life? Should i look at this as being trivial? Should i look at it as being influential? Will i even have the ability to say "this many years ago"? Will i die before i can say that? I just might. It seems like i live life by myself, that no one can help. The truth is, i just don't know how to accept help. I have been living with my pain and dealing with it by myself for over 5 years. It's not easy for me to just let anyone in. I push away the people that really care about me. That's why i'm scared. I want and need people to care. But it may never happen and i'll end up dying alone and cold........ I'm nothing but a star in a distant galaxy. Isolated.